No, Thank You to Chocolate

Are our friends who give us chocolate our friends? Everyone likes to feel appreciated, and when an occasion calls for more than a thank you, a card, or a hug, I suggest giving gifts that don’t challenge someone’s willpower, sabotage healthy eating or end up on their thighs. Whether it’s a container of nourishing soup, a candle, a batch of wholewheat banana muffins, or a pair of socks, genuine appreciation should support an individual’s best self.

Women know where to buy treats for themselves, and if chocolate is their weakness, they may limit their exposure to reduce their consumption. When one receives chocolate as a gift, the temptation is suddenly within reach and the effort shifts to reducing indulgence and avoiding a downward food spiral. I know some women successfully ration a satisfying serving of antioxidant-rich dark chocolate on occasion, and I applaud them. I’m speaking to those of us who raid our children’s Halloween candy, transform a bag of Hershey Kisses into a pile of silver foil, and already know the order in which they will attack a box of assorted chocolates.

Men may not relate to this thought process. However, I would argue they are often not on the receiving end of a chocolate gift. I expect my husband would say, “Don’t eat the chocolate if you don’t want to.” That statement would infuriate me because I don’t want to eat the chocolate; I have to eat it. If given to me due to my kindness, I feel compelled to eat it in a timely, thankful fashion. I may initially put the chocolates in the freezer to slow my intake before remembering that frozen chocolate is delicious. I could “hide” the chocolates under the pretense of saving them for a special occasion, like later that night, but of course, I know the hiding place.

Chocolate purchased for you, by you, is a choice that I am not judging. However, an unrequested, gifted box of chocolates should come with a warning label listing the possible side effects like the fast-talking disclaimer at the end of pharmaceutical commercials. Something like, “These chocolates may cause weight gain, mood swings, room-clearing gas, as well as contribute to other significant health issues and make you feel overall bad about yourself.” The giver of the chocolates may not mention that they didn’t purchase any chocolates for themself because they are trying to eat healthily and don’t want to put 7,000 calories of sugar and partially hydrogenated oils into their body. Still, because they are thoughtful and generous, it’s OK for you.

A card should mention the excellent dead that initiated the chocolate reward. For example, “I’m giving you these chocolates because my daughter threw up while playing at your house last week and could not make it to the bathroom in time. I knew she was not feeling well that morning, but because I did not want to miss my exercise class, I assured her that she would be fine and sent her to the playdate anyway. Although you insisted that her vomiting down your hallway was no problem, you cleaned her up, washed her clothes, scrubbed the rugs, and wiped down your bathroom. Unfortunately, because you could not reach me at the gym to pick her up, your children had prolonged exposure to my daughter’s germs and will likely be throwing up next. So, in return for your effort on my behalf, I’m giving you about 2 pounds of extra body fat. Oh, and I’m not going to tell you what kind of chocolates is in the wrapped box, so don’t even try to regift them. By the way, I’m expecting a thank you note.”